Help Your Child Tackle Life Changes The Right Way
Takeaway: Help your child handle life transitions by (1) Talking to them about the change, (2) Involving them in tackling the change, (3) Keeping familiar routines going, (4) Staying emotionally available, and (5) Encouraging them to invest in friendships.
Going through a life transition is stressful for anyone. But it’s even more stressful for children.
Transitions are a natural and unavoidable part of life, marking significant moments of change and development. But they’re particularly hard on children, who are already dealing with physical, emotional, and social changes. Each transition represents a departure from the familiar and a step into the unknown, which can be exciting and scary. Parents often act as a secure base for their children to explore the world, but some transitional events can still be overwhelming. For instance, starting school, changing schools, going through puberty, moving to a new home, coping with family development (e.g., a new sibling), and more. These transitions bring a sudden emotional load that children might need extra help with.
As parents, there’s a lot we can do to help. But it’s easier when we have a few guiding principles.
Researchers have spent hours talking to children who’ve been through the transitions we’ve discussed. And they’ve gathered a lot of data about what smoothened those transitions. For instance, we know that a child’s friends, family, and teachers can be a huge support. Similarly, finding an activity they love and immersing themselves in it can help buffer excess stress. And this is especially true if the activity means joining a social group outside of school. Self-care (through exercise, good sleep, keeping a schedule, etc.) is another evergreen solution. And so is reading up on the particular change/transition and learning how other people coped with it. As we’ve seen – there are many options. But how do we choose the best one and follow through with it? Here’s where it’s useful to have a few guiding principles.
For instance, you’ll want to encourage open and honest communication.
Open, honest communication is the cornerstone of the parent-child relationship – and it becomes extra important during transitions. But it’s tough to encourage this kind of open sharing because healthy boundaries are essential. (For example, Communication Privacy Management [CPM] theory talks specifically about how ‘informational boundaries’ are essential to building robust relationships. Too much sharing – i.e., becoming ‘enmeshed’ in each other’s mental/emotional space – can make your child less independent. So, we don’t want to share everything – but we do need to share enough.) Discovering how to get your child to share is a matter of trial and error. For example, if your family is moving, consider sitting down for a chat well in advance instead of suddenly springing the news. You could explain why you’re moving, discuss the advantages and challenges of this decision, and ask your child how they feel about it. This gives them a sense of control and reduces their fear of the unexpected.
Also, give them responsibilities where possible.
Another way of giving your child a sense of control is to involve them in your response to the change. To stick with our moving-house example, you might build excitement by asking your child to choose a paint colour for their new room. And you might get them to help with the planning and packing. (They can decide which items to bring, which they want to donate/discard, how they want to pack everything, etc.) These projects will give them a sense of ownership, distracting them from any underlying anxiety. And you’re also fueling their inner desire to feel useful and grown-up. (Psychologically, we’d call this their need for competence and autonomy.)
While the changes take place, try to keep familiar routines going.
Routines bring predictability and comfort. Psychologists link routines to the theory of classical conditioning – i.e., the process where individuals develop automatic responses to regular triggers. For instance, reading a bedtime book to your child could trigger their brain to start winding down for sleep. So, if your child is shifting from primary to secondary school, keep that bedtime ritual going to anchor them through the change. The idea is to set a predictable rhythm to the day. Because this predictability provides a sense of security for children, priming them for each following step. Also, this rhythm can help with time management and organisation – helping your child finish daily tasks punctually. (Parents can also practise new routines ahead of time. For instance, if your child is shifting schools, you can create and practise their new morning routine in advance – giving them time to adapt.)
It’s also vital to stay emotionally available.
One of the principles of emotion-focused therapy is to validate your child’s emotions (i.e., their ’emotional response’), so they’ll feel psychologically safe. For instance, if they’re afraid about changing schools, try to empathise with their feelings, remind them that these emotions are normal, and comfort them. The more you do this, the more ‘securely attached’ your child will feel and the more emotionally stable they’re likely to be. Also, you can strengthen their inner resilience by setting a positive example. Remember that children learn from observing how others behave – especially significant role models like parents. So, if you approach a life change with positivity and resilience, your child will likely mimic your response. And through it, they’ll learn that change isn’t bad.
You’ll want to help your child invest in friendships, too.
Another way to help your child self-soothe is to emphasise friendships – because friends can sometimes be an even bigger support than parents. So, if you’re changing neighbourhoods or schools, encourage them to make new friends and invest in these friendships. Note that there’s more to friendships than companionship, though. That’s because friends also help children learn about the world, social interactions, and their own personalities. So, encourage your child to join community activities, clubs, or sports where they can meet others with similar interests. And, where possible, help them nurture existing friendships they’ve grown to depend on.
Finally, remember to ask for help if you need it.
Some children might find transitions particularly distressing, leading to mood issues like anxiety or depression. This is where professional input is critical. For example, cognitive behavioural therapy [CBT] is a trusted method for helping children manage their anxiety by reframing negative thought patterns. But you’ll need a licensed mental health professional for this. So, do contact us if you want any support or guidance. The Ed Psych Practice offers face-to-face and online assessments, consultation, advice, and problem-solving strategies for parents, nurseries, schools, and universities in London. We have psychologists, paediatricians, and therapists who can help assess your child and offer guidance and support. To consult with us or set up an appointment:
- Phone: +44 (0) 78 3344 7356
- Email: Office@TheEdPsych.com
Want to see how else you can help your child? You might enjoy some of our other posts.
- How Executive Functions Coaching Can Transform Your Adolescent’s Life
- Why Is Meditation Great For Calming Anxious Adolescents?
- Why Does Autism Affect Your Child’s Eye Contact?
- Why Media Overload Could Be Harming Your Adolescent’s Mental Health
- What Is Life Like For Children With Sensory Processing Disorder
- Why Do Adolescents Love ‘Doom Scrolling’? And Is This A Problem?
- What Does ‘Inattentive’ ADHD Mean For Your Teenage Daughter?
- The Basics of Social Anxiety In Primary-Age Children
- Is Your Child a ‘Late Talker’? Or Does She Have a Language Impairment?
- Why Do Parents Often Overlook Auditory Processing Disorder?
- The Step-By-Step Guide to Teaching Your Child Empathy
Image Source: FreePik
Leave a Reply